Just over two years ago, I was diagnosed with moderate/severe anxiety and depression. I have done a fair amount of counselling over the years and I guess it should not have been a surprise, but no one wants to admit they have a “mental illness”. Makes you weak and useless, doesn’t it? “Just get up and get moving. You’ll be fine!”
Anyone who’s been there, knows someone who’s been there or was aware of Bell Canada’s work with Clara Hughes and others will understand that it is just not that easy.
I started on medication after some time trying alternative therapies, herbs and just trying to suck it up (really it doesn’t work — if someone is feeling down, don’t tell them to suck it up, it really doesn’t help!!!).
I love my family doctor. He is kind and generous and funny, and we have a great working relationship. When I appeared in emerg, again, on July 1, 2009, and he said “What is it now?!”, I was not even remotely offended. He had that twinkle in his eye that meant it was time to really get to the bottom of things and come to terms with what I was going to have to do next.
Don’t get me wrong, he did all the right “medical” tests to make sure that I really wasn’t having a heart attack and that my lungs really were working fine. But then, when I appeared at his office to discuss the results (healthy as a horse), he said I needed to decide what to do. He knows that I’m not big on medication, so he suggested that I try St. John’s Wort and then he sent me off to a psychiatrist at our local hospital. (Royal Victoria Hospital here in Barrie, Ontario, is a fantastic place. My family and I have never had anything but fantastic care there.) I eventually, even with the support of my Naturopathic Doctor, decided it was time for a little chemical brain manipulation (please don’t think I take this lightly — I just tend to deal with life with a little off-handed humour).
Well, it is now two years later and I am off my medication. Admittedly, it is sort of by mistake (I forgot to grab my meds when we left for the cottage and was not going to turn around and come back for them), but here I am five days drug free (really, do not just stop — it is dumb). Thankfully, I have had no side effects of going off my medication kind of cold turkey (I was in a transition from one medication to another and thus was not at max dose on either).
I am, however, beginning to suffer again. I couldn’t care less…about anything. I can still plug away at my work, and I can usually rally enough guilt to get a reasonable meal on the table at dinner time, even when the depression is pretty bad. From an anxiety perspective, I learned mindfulness meditation and cognitive behavioural therapy in the year after I was first diagnosed, so, though I am definitely out of practice (I should never have stopped meditating regularly, since it is a support system that I can take with me anywhere I go), I can generally talk myself down and get my breathing under control.
Now what? I am reconnecting with a counsellor I met when we first moved to Barrie in 2005 and who I really liked at the time. She uses a technique called eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), among others, and I am really interested to experience it. I heard about it from Gerry Fostaty (who wrote As You Were, a great book), who suffers from PTSD.
Since I have started this discussion here finally, I will continue as things progress. Maybe my experience can help someone else.
Being depressed or anxious is not embarrassing. There are a million causes, a million reasons and a huge variety of ways to deal with it. I don’t ever want to wallow in this challenge in my life (I have a ton of things to do and great people to share time and life with), but I also refuse to hide in the closet.
Back to editing for a bit (to my clients, I really am still working away). And then a healthy lunch and maybe a walk or a swim.
